Just Because I Am Anxious, It Does Not Mean I Am Unhappy - Healing Series 2

I finished a very stressful course 3 weeks ago. Since then, I've been having high levels of anxiety even where there is no or minimal stimulus. Logically, it isn't surprising because I had high levels of anxiety for 6 weeks straight so it will naturally linger in that state. I didn't get to this place overnight and I know that it will take a long time to heal my body and mental state.

This blog is to remind that when I feel anxious, it may also feel like I am unhappy and mad or miserable. But, that isn't true. The anxiety can become so gripping that I forget that I am so happy. There are a million reasons why I am happy and a million things I am grateful for.

I passed Anatomy. I am fortunate enough to get into and attend an incredible medical school. I have supportive family, friends, and boyfriend. I've made new friends in school already and I learned more about them, growing closer to them each day. I was brave enough to reach out to a therapist for help. I'm taking the advice I was given to better care for myself: I started drinking more kefir, eating more kimchi, and cooking my own fish/meat bone broths; I did my stretches and I reflected and rested more. I was kind to myself and forgave myself in spite of my anxiety.

In the midst of feeling inadequate, there are so many things that make me happy and grateful. So the next time I feel anxious, I will do by 4-7-8 breathing exercise, and remember that I am loved, brave, and capable.

Sometimes It All Gets a Little Too Much - Healing Series 1

I just finished the first 6 weeks of medical school. I didn't have a typical start. I took the summer intensive anatomy course which involved dissection with no direction on day 1, 8-5 days in lecture/cadaver lab, and endless studying in the evenings to review or prepare for the next day. My experiences in this class may be detailed in a later post. In short, my health, relationships, and spirit suffered more than at any other point in my life.

This post is to help me continue my healing process and a safe place for me to return when I need a reminder on how to discover and re-find my center.

Everyone in life goes through life with some moments of self-doubt. In this current place, I am doubting a million things: Am I not smart enough to become a doctor? Will I become a good and competent doctor? Will I be a kind doctor at the end of the journey? Should I make more friends? Why was that girl so mean to me when I tried to open up to her? Should I reach out to my best friends and my support group now or are they too busy and do I not have the time to even freak out and vent? Should I cut ties with everyone in order to have fewer social obligations and more time to focus on my studies? Am I spending too much time studying? Am I sleeping enough? Does my advisor and friends resent me when I open up to them? Why am I so tired? Why do I not care about anything?

These are the many thoughts that keep running and re-running through my head. My goal is to learn how to quiet these thoughts just a little and find balance, meaning, and center.

There are a few things I think I need to remember that help me to find my inner calm. The first is to accept that I cannot control the actions of others nor many the circumstances I am in. That means some colleagues will study more or less hours per day than me, sleep more or less than me, and may or may not be as stressed. It's ok to be different. We came from different backgrounds and journeys, and although we ended in the same destination, we aren't the same people, we don't have the same circumstances and we don't live the same way. We have different goals and different next destinations.

It's ok to be kind to yourself and cherish your gifts and differences. The best type of doctor or person doesn't have a pre-set template. It's an opinion that is very deeply personal and unique.

I believe that being the best doctor entails living what I preach. Health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual are all things I need to find in myself before I can best help others to find in themselves. Being the best doctor means being kind to myself and appreciating the adversities I need to overcome. It means being able to tell myself, "hey, med school is hard and that's ok. It's ok if you need a break today. It's ok if you're tired and it's ok to feel discouraged. But, you're smart and you're hard working. You love people and you're kind. There is no doubt that you can and will help many people but you need to focus on taking care of yourself right now." My difficulties and challenges will help me to better appreciate and empathize with and understand the experiences of others.

Being the best doctor means being able to tell my patients that it's ok to be different from others. It means being able to celebrate their differences and unique gifts, and to fully believe it. If a patient came to me and told me they needed more sleep but their colleagues work harder and don't sleep as much, I'd tell them to remember that the goals and needs of everyone is different. I'd tell them to sleep more because they will function better and be more productive. What would I want my doctor to tell me when I come to them with the same problem?

Poor Medical School Student Budget - Part 1 Groceries - How to Spend $40 for a Week's Worth of Food (Week 1)

I've just finished my 2nd week of medical school (more blogs coming regarding the med school application and experience). For those of you unaware of the ridiculous cost of medical school tuition, a year at my school ranges from $50k-$55k. This cost does not include rent, books, scrubs or lab equipment, gas, food -- basically an average person's living expenses.

One way to add onto the bill fast is to eat out, and I am guilty of spending anywhere from $20-40/meal out, which is pretty much how much I would spend if I bought groceries for the whole week. I went online to do some research on ways to save money on weekly groceries, but couldn't really find anything that was suitable for me. I'm highly sensitive to wheat so spending money on cheaper grains like cereal and bread was out of the question. I am also an advocate of the Paleo 80/20 lifestyle and like to eat meat pretty regularly (at least 2 times per day). I am also for organic produce if it doesn't cost a significant amount more, but other than that, I will buy non-organic for most things (I do always buy berries, apples, and leafy veggies organic). Most of the blogs I found online stayed within the $40/week budget but skimped on meat, and were wheat and processed-filled. I don't like to feel deprived so I needed a list with plenty of meat/fish, veggies, and some junk food to keep me sane during the long nights.

The thought then occurred to me to start my own posts in the hopes it could unite people like me out there looking for grocery lists that cater to our specific needs. (If I knew I was going to post this online, I may have skipped out on the ice cream, chips and candy, but hey, medical school is stressful and this is a non-judging environment!) **Note: I still had some eggs, rice, snacks (nuts) and 2 sweet potatoes at home.

Without further ado, here is a breakdown of my week's list (all from WinCo):
1. Meats -
$8.98 - 2 lbs. wild-caught salmon with tasty omega-3s
$6.98 - 3 lbs. sirloin beef patties
$6.86 - 2.5 lbs. carne asada sliced beef

2. Produce -
$1.08 - 4 bananas
$1.96 - 2 - 12 oz. frozen veggie bags
$1.78 - 1 portabella mushroom
$1.77 - 2 lbs. zucchini
$4.20 - 5 bell peppers

3. Other-
$3.68 - Tillamook Oregon Strawberry ice cream (my favorite thing in the world)
$0.98 - Trolli sour candy eggs
$2.28 - Lay Poppables

Total- $40.55

The red bell peppers were a bit expensive ($.88/one) but they are filled with vitamins so I didn't feel too guilty about buying them. WinCo also had chicken legs on sale for $1/lb, but it felt like a beef week to me.

I like to keep things simple. I'll usually make an omelette in the mornings, and have fish or beef with some veggies and rice/sweet potato for lunch and dinner.

As always, tips, comments, and suggestions are welcome!

The Lack of Empathy in Today's Millenials

Today, I met up with a friend from college who I hadn't seen in 2 months. His uncle just passed away and his family was having a rough time grieving, adjusting, and caring for his wife and child as best they could. Apparently, he was dating two girls at the time of his uncle's passing and both conversations went along the lines of:

Friend: Hey, I know we had a date planned today, but I need to reschedule. My uncle passed away and I need to be with family.
Girl #1: Aww, ok.

Friend: Hey, I need to reschedule. My uncle just passed away today.
Girl #2: Aww, that's too bad.

To give a little context, Girl #2 has been his friend since high school and Girl #1 has been his coworker for the past 8 months or so. Apparently, it's too much for "friends" to acknowledge your grief with more than "www."

What happened to the customary questions that you're supposed to ask someone who is grieving, like, "are you ok?" or "what can I do?" Basic statements like, "I'm here for you," and "let me know if you need anything," are apparently too much to ask.

After discussing this topic with several people in my life (my mother and aunts), I've reached the conclusion that most people don't deal with grief or death well and don't know how to react when a friend or loved one is suffering in this situation. The best thing to do is walk away and forgive them for this insufficiency.

The other part of me believes that if you care about someone, you suck up your discomfort and be there for your friend. Don't be afraid to ask, "are you ok?" You endure the discomfort for 20 minutes and hold their hand after you drop off ice cream or dinner.

Maybe strength and comfort in a difficult situation too much to ask. What do you think? Comment below!

Walking Saints - Episode 1

I'm thinking of starting a new series called "Walking Saints". In this series, I'm will write about people I meet in life who have positively influenced me. I hope to inspire you by sharing about these people who make me feel like the world is a beautiful place with kindness, compassion, and love.

The first person in my series is someone who frankly, I had avoided spending time with when we first met. Last summer, I went on a medical mission in Vietnam. At the end of a gruesome 2 weeks serving in areas with 105 deg. F heat, humidity, lack of running water and electricity, I was ready for my vacation. I was planning to go with my friend and his family. I ended being stuck as his grandma's roommate because his sister refused to room with their grandma. Great, I had to babysit his grandma with dementia who could barely walk.

A few days into the trip, we were in the streets of Ha Noi grabbing dinner at various street vendors. Grandma got tired pretty early on and as one who doesn't enjoy shopping, I volunteered to walk back to the hotel with her. On the way back, she glanced at several sugarcane stalls and resisted until I asked for a third time if she'd like a sugarcane drink. I spent our last 50 U.S. cents and got her the treat. She kept it wrapped up to save to drink with the dried squid back at our hotel. About a block away from our hotel, we came across an elderly woman in her 80s. She had a severely rounded back as a result of carrying heavy fruits and vegetables on a crossbar on her back for many years. As soon I registered the presence of the old woman, Grandma already had her drink extended to the woman. "Would you like to drink this?" The old woman asked, "What is it?" to which Grandma replied, "Sugarcane juice. It's very sweet and refreshing." The old woman licked her lips and raised her frail hand to accept the drink. She continued to walk and we went on our way. About 20 steps away, I felt the urge to turn around. I found the old woman sitting on some steps, with her crossbar rested on the ground next to her. She was drinking the sugarcane juice.

To this day, I find myself randomly thinking about that event and smiling.  It was such a small gesture, but we only had 50 cents in our pockets left that day, and Grandma had already been craving that treat for many days. It was the way Grandma so readily and selflessly gave that stuck with me the most. There was no contemplation or calculation. She saw someone suffering and just gave.

To this day, I spend days hanging out with Grandma, just the two of us. We sneak the money she receives from her kids as gifts and send it to poor orphans and villages in Vietnam. Every day I spend with Grandma, I know we're going to make someone's day.

On Traveling

I've spent the last week on the other side of the world, in South Korea. I can honestly say that I am having the time of my life. I spend my days hiking mountains in the most beautiful places in the world and eating the most delicious foods.

But, I can't help thinking about how much I miss my family and friends back home. When I was home, I wanted to travel and be alone. When I travel, I miss my home. I think I finally understand why people say that INFJs cannot be monks because although we are introverts, we need people.

How to Initiate a Relationship with an INFJ

As most people know (as seen from INFJ forums and blogs), it is extremely painful to initiate a dating relationship with an INFJ. There are several reasons for this:

1. We are usually busy-bodies and therefore, we will only invest in the time and emotionally draining process of dating if we see that our future with the potential person has a high probability of succeeding.

2. It takes us a long time to decide if a person is worth investing in as we will process and rearrange everything we know about that person given new evidence and time.

3. Known as the "protectors", we will usually take our time to learn everything about them because we want to reduce the probability of hurting them by studying them early on once they show any signs of interest. INFJs will want to avoid having to break anyone's heart further down the line. Personally, I will pursue or show my interest only when I am confident that I can love the person wholly and if I see a relationship is conducive to both of our happiness in the long-term.

Given these reasons, if you have an INFJ you really want to pursue, here are some tips:

1. GO SLOW. Take things super super super slow. What you're thinking now, make it 3 times slower. An INFJ may like you, think you are attractive and smell amazing, and admire you for your great traits. But none of these mean the INFJ is ready to enter into a relationship with you. INFJs often see the best in people and using these criteria to start a dating relationship may work many people, but not for INFJs looking for a serious relationship. A healthy INFJ will not let someone in their life unless they fit well in their current carefully designed structure. We do "fall heads over heels" for others, but will only let our feelings grow if we see a life together with the person. The reason for this is because INFJs love deeply and will actually throw away everything we have and are for the people we love so we must be very careful when choosing a mate. Starting with one date per week and sending 2-5 texts per day, spaced a few hours apart is ideal. This allows for the INFJ to reach a calm mindset faster and deal with their infatuation with you and manage their life at the same time. It may be frustrating at first, but she will appreciate the time you give to herself and the other things in her life important to her.

2. Respect our individuality. When someone tells an INFJ, "do what you think is best for you," it will make the INFJ feel strong and respected. It's like saying, "Do what you need to do, and I will be here for you no matter what you decide." There is a level of trust that is appreciated beyond words. INFJs are independent creatures who put a lot of thought in everything they do and should be respected as such. Once our decisions and thought-processes are questioned and attempted to be controlled, we will start questioning why you bother being around us in the first place if everything you do is superior to us. INFJs protect the people their love and we can't do that if the people we want to protect question our every move.

3. How do you know we are interested? Most people will pursue or show their interest to someone, and if they don't reciprocate, they move on. That is the reason why it is so hard to initiate a relationship with INFJs. Once someone shows interest (usually from the friendship stage), our brain goes haywire and we need to restructure and reanalyze everything we know about you. This takes time, so don't be too discouraged when we don't respond immediately positively to your flirting or pretend to ignore your compliment completely. As explained in #1, we need time to process and will not always respond positively just because we attracted to you. We need to make sure you fit into our life first. My tip for this is to show your appreciation for us for at least one month. If we haven't responded to you with a "Can I see you this weekend?" or "I miss you" text during this month, then we probably aren't interested. But those hints we give are pretty subtle and we might continue to be somewhat distant when we hang out in person, solely due to our shyness and our reluctancy to pressure you (#4).

4. Understand our reluctancy to initiate physical contact. Just because we don't hug or kiss you, doesn't mean we aren't head-over-heels in love with you. We are considerate creatures so usually we won't initiate physical contact. We also don't want to pressure the other person in initiating the physical contact. The problem with this is that no one does anything, especially if the other types do not like to pressure others (-cough- INTJs). This leads me to #5.

5. When to initiate physical contact? Once we start asking you more questions about yourself and you find that you're speaking the majority of the time, we are genuinely interested and want to know more about you and how you fit in our structure. Usually, we will start the occasional "How do you feel about [insert ethical topic]?" We are trying to gage not only your views, but capable you are of holding philosophical discussions and how you respond to similarities or differences to your views. Once we text you ridiculously insignificant questions out of the blue, "Are your feet freezing right now?" we are hooked and want to know everything about you. This is the perfect time to stand or walk closer to us when we spend time together, and initiate hand holding to gage our reaction.

6. You are in a relationship. Once an INFJ kisses you, holds your hand in public, introduces you to all of her friends and family, she probably considers you two in a relationship. However, it is always good to have a clear discussion just so that she knows that you two are in an exclusive relationship and that won't change unless you say so later down the line.

Extra. Fear of long-distance relationships: If there were a ranking of how well each MBTI could last in a long-distance relationship, I would rank INFJs in the top 3 along with ISTJs. Don't be afraid to start a relationship with one because there might be some separation down the path.

This is just my personal opinion and obviously, not all INFJs are the same. Let me know what you think and if there any topics you would like me to address in future posts!