Happy birthday to me - one year older

Today is my birthday. I'm far from home without my family or boyfriend. I didn't see any friends today and I spent the day studying and volunteering my time tutoring at a nearby elementary school. I did celebrate with friends a few times last week and am planning an early morning hike tomorrow. I managed to do some reflecting and I realized in this past year since my last birthday, a lot has happened. I got into medical school, I started medical school 300 miles away from home, I got the stomach flu 4 times, I got shingles, and I started improving my health with diet, exercise and probiotics. I managed to travel to Vietnam, the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone, Reno, and San Francisco. I worked 5 different jobs and moved 2 times. Oh, and I got a boyfriend...my first boyfriend. In med school, I learned what true depression and anxiety felt like and I started regular yoga and meditation. I learned how to ignore the rest of the world as I walked past students studying to my yoga and meditation classes. I learned how to put my health first, to be present, and to kind to others and myself.

This year has been tough. I had to quit jobs and say no multiple times. Moving far from home was especially hard and there were many times I felt alone without a support system. But I never gave up learning to care for myself. In the beginning I thought that meant both exercising and studying my ass off. My body cried and I experienced crippling lower back and neck pain for the first time and for weeks it never ceased. Then I got super sick for 2 months. That was an incredible eye opener. My first reaction was that I wasn't cut out for medical school. I was weak, dumb, and slow. I withdrew and I didn't want to talk to anyone including my friends or family. I felt like there was little purpose to my life and kept asking myself what the point was countless times each day. But there was a nudging voice in my head to get help. So I did. I went to an academic counselor who basically made me feel like I didn't know how to study. Then I went to a MFT who talked more about herself than I talked about myself. She gave me the weirdest homework and techniques she said would ease my test and study anxiety but my anxiety ceased to stop. I was discouraged and scared. The longer my anxiety persisted, the worse it got. I started going to meditation, mindfulness, and yoga classes. The yoga classes helped ease my back and neck pain a lot. The first few mindfulness classes were a mess and I ended up crying during each one. I saw a wellness counselor who turned out to be my yoga teacher and she helped me to figure out where my weaknesses lied in my planning. I tried her methods and I found I had more time and less anxiety but I still had racing palms and heart rate before my exams. I kept going to yoga and I kept meditating. Instead of going to the classes just once per week, I started to do yoga during my studies or before a couple times per week. I started meditating before exams, before I studied, and in bed. I met with another wellness counselor and used the Buddhist meditation practices she shared with me. Before I knew it, my study anxiety went away. I started doing things I wanted to when I wanted to. If I didn't want to run that day, I didn't. If I didn't want to study and go to yoga class instead, I went to yoga. If I got hungry, I ate. If I was tired, I slept. It seems so ridiculous but I needed to come back to my roots and fulfill my lower tiers and physical needs of Maslow's triangle before I could hope to achieve self-actualization. I listened to my body and it rewarded me with a strong body, and a calm and present mind. As a result, I made great friends who I was able to connect with on a deeper level because I stopped focusing so much on myself and actually really fully and whole-heartedly listened to them. I had better focus during my exams and better performance. I laughed often and I wasn't bothered if I had to work or study that day. I looked forward to yoga, meditation and meals. I became happy again.

I went through a lot this year but I would say I learned equally as much. I thought that to be better, I'd always have to reach higher, do more, and give up more. But I was so so so wrong. I'm thankful for all the people I've met this year and I am thankful to my heart and my body for adapting and healing. I look forward to this year and hope I can continue to grow as a wiser and kinder person.

Til next time my friends. Stay safe, humble, and kind to others as well as yourselves.

INFJ Burn Out

According to the personality websites, INFJs can burn out easily because we have difficulty molding our ideals with the demands of sensory day-to-day tasks. 

I can 100% relate with this claim. When I went to medical school, I thought the day-to-day feelings I felt while shadowing psychiatrists or volunteering at clinics would follows me. I honestly thought I'd be feelings those shades of admiration, inspiration, and gratitude every day. However, what I felt was exhaustion, frustration, and annoyance. I couldn't understand why I needed to memorize the millions of bones and muscles in the body when I wanted to become a PSYCHIATRIST. I was losing sleep, stressed about put every second of every day to good use, and annoyed because I kept asking myself why I was studying so hard over a subject I didn't care about, but could never find a substantial answer. I got lost in all the details of everyday living and obligation that I sacrificed exercise, naps, meals, and friends. Not surprisingly, I became miserable, burnt out, and my immune system became so compromised I got shingles. This is surprising because I thought with my paleo and hard-core weight lifting longtime regime, I would have had the health to endure 6 hard weeks. But the stresses of medical school along with cutting my sleep from the usual 9 hours to 5 hours for 6 weeks straight was simply too much. 

I'm still recovering from shingles and to be completely honest, I'm not really sure how to balance my ideals with the stresses and sensory requirements of medical school. But this time around, I'm incorporating the things I love and revolving my schedule around those things, rather than school. Thursday? Ooh, yoga day. Oh yeah, and ultrasound lab. I'm allowing myself to eat things I love, and cook things I want to eat. I'm meditating and going to yoga, and mindfulness meetings with other students struggling with the same things. I'm making friends and I'm sleeping A LOT. I'm considering keeping this going on throughout all of medical school, but we shall see if it helps and if it's sustainable. 

Just Because I Am Anxious, It Does Not Mean I Am Unhappy - Healing Series 2

I finished a very stressful course 3 weeks ago. Since then, I've been having high levels of anxiety even where there is no or minimal stimulus. Logically, it isn't surprising because I had high levels of anxiety for 6 weeks straight so it will naturally linger in that state. I didn't get to this place overnight and I know that it will take a long time to heal my body and mental state.

This blog is to remind that when I feel anxious, it may also feel like I am unhappy and mad or miserable. But, that isn't true. The anxiety can become so gripping that I forget that I am so happy. There are a million reasons why I am happy and a million things I am grateful for.

I passed Anatomy. I am fortunate enough to get into and attend an incredible medical school. I have supportive family, friends, and boyfriend. I've made new friends in school already and I learned more about them, growing closer to them each day. I was brave enough to reach out to a therapist for help. I'm taking the advice I was given to better care for myself: I started drinking more kefir, eating more kimchi, and cooking my own fish/meat bone broths; I did my stretches and I reflected and rested more. I was kind to myself and forgave myself in spite of my anxiety.

In the midst of feeling inadequate, there are so many things that make me happy and grateful. So the next time I feel anxious, I will do by 4-7-8 breathing exercise, and remember that I am loved, brave, and capable.

Sometimes It All Gets a Little Too Much - Healing Series 1

I just finished the first 6 weeks of medical school. I didn't have a typical start. I took the summer intensive anatomy course which involved dissection with no direction on day 1, 8-5 days in lecture/cadaver lab, and endless studying in the evenings to review or prepare for the next day. My experiences in this class may be detailed in a later post. In short, my health, relationships, and spirit suffered more than at any other point in my life.

This post is to help me continue my healing process and a safe place for me to return when I need a reminder on how to discover and re-find my center.

Everyone in life goes through life with some moments of self-doubt. In this current place, I am doubting a million things: Am I not smart enough to become a doctor? Will I become a good and competent doctor? Will I be a kind doctor at the end of the journey? Should I make more friends? Why was that girl so mean to me when I tried to open up to her? Should I reach out to my best friends and my support group now or are they too busy and do I not have the time to even freak out and vent? Should I cut ties with everyone in order to have fewer social obligations and more time to focus on my studies? Am I spending too much time studying? Am I sleeping enough? Does my advisor and friends resent me when I open up to them? Why am I so tired? Why do I not care about anything?

These are the many thoughts that keep running and re-running through my head. My goal is to learn how to quiet these thoughts just a little and find balance, meaning, and center.

There are a few things I think I need to remember that help me to find my inner calm. The first is to accept that I cannot control the actions of others nor many the circumstances I am in. That means some colleagues will study more or less hours per day than me, sleep more or less than me, and may or may not be as stressed. It's ok to be different. We came from different backgrounds and journeys, and although we ended in the same destination, we aren't the same people, we don't have the same circumstances and we don't live the same way. We have different goals and different next destinations.

It's ok to be kind to yourself and cherish your gifts and differences. The best type of doctor or person doesn't have a pre-set template. It's an opinion that is very deeply personal and unique.

I believe that being the best doctor entails living what I preach. Health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual are all things I need to find in myself before I can best help others to find in themselves. Being the best doctor means being kind to myself and appreciating the adversities I need to overcome. It means being able to tell myself, "hey, med school is hard and that's ok. It's ok if you need a break today. It's ok if you're tired and it's ok to feel discouraged. But, you're smart and you're hard working. You love people and you're kind. There is no doubt that you can and will help many people but you need to focus on taking care of yourself right now." My difficulties and challenges will help me to better appreciate and empathize with and understand the experiences of others.

Being the best doctor means being able to tell my patients that it's ok to be different from others. It means being able to celebrate their differences and unique gifts, and to fully believe it. If a patient came to me and told me they needed more sleep but their colleagues work harder and don't sleep as much, I'd tell them to remember that the goals and needs of everyone is different. I'd tell them to sleep more because they will function better and be more productive. What would I want my doctor to tell me when I come to them with the same problem?

Poor Medical School Student Budget - Part 1 Groceries - How to Spend $40 for a Week's Worth of Food (Week 1)

I've just finished my 2nd week of medical school (more blogs coming regarding the med school application and experience). For those of you unaware of the ridiculous cost of medical school tuition, a year at my school ranges from $50k-$55k. This cost does not include rent, books, scrubs or lab equipment, gas, food -- basically an average person's living expenses.

One way to add onto the bill fast is to eat out, and I am guilty of spending anywhere from $20-40/meal out, which is pretty much how much I would spend if I bought groceries for the whole week. I went online to do some research on ways to save money on weekly groceries, but couldn't really find anything that was suitable for me. I'm highly sensitive to wheat so spending money on cheaper grains like cereal and bread was out of the question. I am also an advocate of the Paleo 80/20 lifestyle and like to eat meat pretty regularly (at least 2 times per day). I am also for organic produce if it doesn't cost a significant amount more, but other than that, I will buy non-organic for most things (I do always buy berries, apples, and leafy veggies organic). Most of the blogs I found online stayed within the $40/week budget but skimped on meat, and were wheat and processed-filled. I don't like to feel deprived so I needed a list with plenty of meat/fish, veggies, and some junk food to keep me sane during the long nights.

The thought then occurred to me to start my own posts in the hopes it could unite people like me out there looking for grocery lists that cater to our specific needs. (If I knew I was going to post this online, I may have skipped out on the ice cream, chips and candy, but hey, medical school is stressful and this is a non-judging environment!) **Note: I still had some eggs, rice, snacks (nuts) and 2 sweet potatoes at home.

Without further ado, here is a breakdown of my week's list (all from WinCo):
1. Meats -
$8.98 - 2 lbs. wild-caught salmon with tasty omega-3s
$6.98 - 3 lbs. sirloin beef patties
$6.86 - 2.5 lbs. carne asada sliced beef

2. Produce -
$1.08 - 4 bananas
$1.96 - 2 - 12 oz. frozen veggie bags
$1.78 - 1 portabella mushroom
$1.77 - 2 lbs. zucchini
$4.20 - 5 bell peppers

3. Other-
$3.68 - Tillamook Oregon Strawberry ice cream (my favorite thing in the world)
$0.98 - Trolli sour candy eggs
$2.28 - Lay Poppables

Total- $40.55

The red bell peppers were a bit expensive ($.88/one) but they are filled with vitamins so I didn't feel too guilty about buying them. WinCo also had chicken legs on sale for $1/lb, but it felt like a beef week to me.

I like to keep things simple. I'll usually make an omelette in the mornings, and have fish or beef with some veggies and rice/sweet potato for lunch and dinner.

As always, tips, comments, and suggestions are welcome!

The Lack of Empathy in Today's Millenials

Today, I met up with a friend from college who I hadn't seen in 2 months. His uncle just passed away and his family was having a rough time grieving, adjusting, and caring for his wife and child as best they could. Apparently, he was dating two girls at the time of his uncle's passing and both conversations went along the lines of:

Friend: Hey, I know we had a date planned today, but I need to reschedule. My uncle passed away and I need to be with family.
Girl #1: Aww, ok.

Friend: Hey, I need to reschedule. My uncle just passed away today.
Girl #2: Aww, that's too bad.

To give a little context, Girl #2 has been his friend since high school and Girl #1 has been his coworker for the past 8 months or so. Apparently, it's too much for "friends" to acknowledge your grief with more than "www."

What happened to the customary questions that you're supposed to ask someone who is grieving, like, "are you ok?" or "what can I do?" Basic statements like, "I'm here for you," and "let me know if you need anything," are apparently too much to ask.

After discussing this topic with several people in my life (my mother and aunts), I've reached the conclusion that most people don't deal with grief or death well and don't know how to react when a friend or loved one is suffering in this situation. The best thing to do is walk away and forgive them for this insufficiency.

The other part of me believes that if you care about someone, you suck up your discomfort and be there for your friend. Don't be afraid to ask, "are you ok?" You endure the discomfort for 20 minutes and hold their hand after you drop off ice cream or dinner.

Maybe strength and comfort in a difficult situation too much to ask. What do you think? Comment below!

Walking Saints - Episode 1

I'm thinking of starting a new series called "Walking Saints". In this series, I'm will write about people I meet in life who have positively influenced me. I hope to inspire you by sharing about these people who make me feel like the world is a beautiful place with kindness, compassion, and love.

The first person in my series is someone who frankly, I had avoided spending time with when we first met. Last summer, I went on a medical mission in Vietnam. At the end of a gruesome 2 weeks serving in areas with 105 deg. F heat, humidity, lack of running water and electricity, I was ready for my vacation. I was planning to go with my friend and his family. I ended being stuck as his grandma's roommate because his sister refused to room with their grandma. Great, I had to babysit his grandma with dementia who could barely walk.

A few days into the trip, we were in the streets of Ha Noi grabbing dinner at various street vendors. Grandma got tired pretty early on and as one who doesn't enjoy shopping, I volunteered to walk back to the hotel with her. On the way back, she glanced at several sugarcane stalls and resisted until I asked for a third time if she'd like a sugarcane drink. I spent our last 50 U.S. cents and got her the treat. She kept it wrapped up to save to drink with the dried squid back at our hotel. About a block away from our hotel, we came across an elderly woman in her 80s. She had a severely rounded back as a result of carrying heavy fruits and vegetables on a crossbar on her back for many years. As soon I registered the presence of the old woman, Grandma already had her drink extended to the woman. "Would you like to drink this?" The old woman asked, "What is it?" to which Grandma replied, "Sugarcane juice. It's very sweet and refreshing." The old woman licked her lips and raised her frail hand to accept the drink. She continued to walk and we went on our way. About 20 steps away, I felt the urge to turn around. I found the old woman sitting on some steps, with her crossbar rested on the ground next to her. She was drinking the sugarcane juice.

To this day, I find myself randomly thinking about that event and smiling.  It was such a small gesture, but we only had 50 cents in our pockets left that day, and Grandma had already been craving that treat for many days. It was the way Grandma so readily and selflessly gave that stuck with me the most. There was no contemplation or calculation. She saw someone suffering and just gave.

To this day, I spend days hanging out with Grandma, just the two of us. We sneak the money she receives from her kids as gifts and send it to poor orphans and villages in Vietnam. Every day I spend with Grandma, I know we're going to make someone's day.