INFJ Burn Out

According to the personality websites, INFJs can burn out easily because we have difficulty molding our ideals with the demands of sensory day-to-day tasks. 

I can 100% relate with this claim. When I went to medical school, I thought the day-to-day feelings I felt while shadowing psychiatrists or volunteering at clinics would follows me. I honestly thought I'd be feelings those shades of admiration, inspiration, and gratitude every day. However, what I felt was exhaustion, frustration, and annoyance. I couldn't understand why I needed to memorize the millions of bones and muscles in the body when I wanted to become a PSYCHIATRIST. I was losing sleep, stressed about put every second of every day to good use, and annoyed because I kept asking myself why I was studying so hard over a subject I didn't care about, but could never find a substantial answer. I got lost in all the details of everyday living and obligation that I sacrificed exercise, naps, meals, and friends. Not surprisingly, I became miserable, burnt out, and my immune system became so compromised I got shingles. This is surprising because I thought with my paleo and hard-core weight lifting longtime regime, I would have had the health to endure 6 hard weeks. But the stresses of medical school along with cutting my sleep from the usual 9 hours to 5 hours for 6 weeks straight was simply too much. 

I'm still recovering from shingles and to be completely honest, I'm not really sure how to balance my ideals with the stresses and sensory requirements of medical school. But this time around, I'm incorporating the things I love and revolving my schedule around those things, rather than school. Thursday? Ooh, yoga day. Oh yeah, and ultrasound lab. I'm allowing myself to eat things I love, and cook things I want to eat. I'm meditating and going to yoga, and mindfulness meetings with other students struggling with the same things. I'm making friends and I'm sleeping A LOT. I'm considering keeping this going on throughout all of medical school, but we shall see if it helps and if it's sustainable. 

Just Because I Am Anxious, It Does Not Mean I Am Unhappy - Healing Series 2

I finished a very stressful course 3 weeks ago. Since then, I've been having high levels of anxiety even where there is no or minimal stimulus. Logically, it isn't surprising because I had high levels of anxiety for 6 weeks straight so it will naturally linger in that state. I didn't get to this place overnight and I know that it will take a long time to heal my body and mental state.

This blog is to remind that when I feel anxious, it may also feel like I am unhappy and mad or miserable. But, that isn't true. The anxiety can become so gripping that I forget that I am so happy. There are a million reasons why I am happy and a million things I am grateful for.

I passed Anatomy. I am fortunate enough to get into and attend an incredible medical school. I have supportive family, friends, and boyfriend. I've made new friends in school already and I learned more about them, growing closer to them each day. I was brave enough to reach out to a therapist for help. I'm taking the advice I was given to better care for myself: I started drinking more kefir, eating more kimchi, and cooking my own fish/meat bone broths; I did my stretches and I reflected and rested more. I was kind to myself and forgave myself in spite of my anxiety.

In the midst of feeling inadequate, there are so many things that make me happy and grateful. So the next time I feel anxious, I will do by 4-7-8 breathing exercise, and remember that I am loved, brave, and capable.

Sometimes It All Gets a Little Too Much - Healing Series 1

I just finished the first 6 weeks of medical school. I didn't have a typical start. I took the summer intensive anatomy course which involved dissection with no direction on day 1, 8-5 days in lecture/cadaver lab, and endless studying in the evenings to review or prepare for the next day. My experiences in this class may be detailed in a later post. In short, my health, relationships, and spirit suffered more than at any other point in my life.

This post is to help me continue my healing process and a safe place for me to return when I need a reminder on how to discover and re-find my center.

Everyone in life goes through life with some moments of self-doubt. In this current place, I am doubting a million things: Am I not smart enough to become a doctor? Will I become a good and competent doctor? Will I be a kind doctor at the end of the journey? Should I make more friends? Why was that girl so mean to me when I tried to open up to her? Should I reach out to my best friends and my support group now or are they too busy and do I not have the time to even freak out and vent? Should I cut ties with everyone in order to have fewer social obligations and more time to focus on my studies? Am I spending too much time studying? Am I sleeping enough? Does my advisor and friends resent me when I open up to them? Why am I so tired? Why do I not care about anything?

These are the many thoughts that keep running and re-running through my head. My goal is to learn how to quiet these thoughts just a little and find balance, meaning, and center.

There are a few things I think I need to remember that help me to find my inner calm. The first is to accept that I cannot control the actions of others nor many the circumstances I am in. That means some colleagues will study more or less hours per day than me, sleep more or less than me, and may or may not be as stressed. It's ok to be different. We came from different backgrounds and journeys, and although we ended in the same destination, we aren't the same people, we don't have the same circumstances and we don't live the same way. We have different goals and different next destinations.

It's ok to be kind to yourself and cherish your gifts and differences. The best type of doctor or person doesn't have a pre-set template. It's an opinion that is very deeply personal and unique.

I believe that being the best doctor entails living what I preach. Health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual are all things I need to find in myself before I can best help others to find in themselves. Being the best doctor means being kind to myself and appreciating the adversities I need to overcome. It means being able to tell myself, "hey, med school is hard and that's ok. It's ok if you need a break today. It's ok if you're tired and it's ok to feel discouraged. But, you're smart and you're hard working. You love people and you're kind. There is no doubt that you can and will help many people but you need to focus on taking care of yourself right now." My difficulties and challenges will help me to better appreciate and empathize with and understand the experiences of others.

Being the best doctor means being able to tell my patients that it's ok to be different from others. It means being able to celebrate their differences and unique gifts, and to fully believe it. If a patient came to me and told me they needed more sleep but their colleagues work harder and don't sleep as much, I'd tell them to remember that the goals and needs of everyone is different. I'd tell them to sleep more because they will function better and be more productive. What would I want my doctor to tell me when I come to them with the same problem?