I've spent the last week on the other side of the world, in South Korea. I can honestly say that I am having the time of my life. I spend my days hiking mountains in the most beautiful places in the world and eating the most delicious foods.
But, I can't help thinking about how much I miss my family and friends back home. When I was home, I wanted to travel and be alone. When I travel, I miss my home. I think I finally understand why people say that INFJs cannot be monks because although we are introverts, we need people.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
How to Initiate a Relationship with an INFJ
As most people know (as seen from INFJ forums and blogs), it is extremely painful to initiate a dating relationship with an INFJ. There are several reasons for this:
1. We are usually busy-bodies and therefore, we will only invest in the time and emotionally draining process of dating if we see that our future with the potential person has a high probability of succeeding.
2. It takes us a long time to decide if a person is worth investing in as we will process and rearrange everything we know about that person given new evidence and time.
3. Known as the "protectors", we will usually take our time to learn everything about them because we want to reduce the probability of hurting them by studying them early on once they show any signs of interest. INFJs will want to avoid having to break anyone's heart further down the line. Personally, I will pursue or show my interest only when I am confident that I can love the person wholly and if I see a relationship is conducive to both of our happiness in the long-term.
Given these reasons, if you have an INFJ you really want to pursue, here are some tips:
1. GO SLOW. Take things super super super slow. What you're thinking now, make it 3 times slower. An INFJ may like you, think you are attractive and smell amazing, and admire you for your great traits. But none of these mean the INFJ is ready to enter into a relationship with you. INFJs often see the best in people and using these criteria to start a dating relationship may work many people, but not for INFJs looking for a serious relationship. A healthy INFJ will not let someone in their life unless they fit well in their current carefully designed structure. We do "fall heads over heels" for others, but will only let our feelings grow if we see a life together with the person. The reason for this is because INFJs love deeply and will actually throw away everything we have and are for the people we love so we must be very careful when choosing a mate. Starting with one date per week and sending 2-5 texts per day, spaced a few hours apart is ideal. This allows for the INFJ to reach a calm mindset faster and deal with their infatuation with you and manage their life at the same time. It may be frustrating at first, but she will appreciate the time you give to herself and the other things in her life important to her.
2. Respect our individuality. When someone tells an INFJ, "do what you think is best for you," it will make the INFJ feel strong and respected. It's like saying, "Do what you need to do, and I will be here for you no matter what you decide." There is a level of trust that is appreciated beyond words. INFJs are independent creatures who put a lot of thought in everything they do and should be respected as such. Once our decisions and thought-processes are questioned and attempted to be controlled, we will start questioning why you bother being around us in the first place if everything you do is superior to us. INFJs protect the people their love and we can't do that if the people we want to protect question our every move.
3. How do you know we are interested? Most people will pursue or show their interest to someone, and if they don't reciprocate, they move on. That is the reason why it is so hard to initiate a relationship with INFJs. Once someone shows interest (usually from the friendship stage), our brain goes haywire and we need to restructure and reanalyze everything we know about you. This takes time, so don't be too discouraged when we don't respond immediately positively to your flirting or pretend to ignore your compliment completely. As explained in #1, we need time to process and will not always respond positively just because we attracted to you. We need to make sure you fit into our life first. My tip for this is to show your appreciation for us for at least one month. If we haven't responded to you with a "Can I see you this weekend?" or "I miss you" text during this month, then we probably aren't interested. But those hints we give are pretty subtle and we might continue to be somewhat distant when we hang out in person, solely due to our shyness and our reluctancy to pressure you (#4).
4. Understand our reluctancy to initiate physical contact. Just because we don't hug or kiss you, doesn't mean we aren't head-over-heels in love with you. We are considerate creatures so usually we won't initiate physical contact. We also don't want to pressure the other person in initiating the physical contact. The problem with this is that no one does anything, especially if the other types do not like to pressure others (-cough- INTJs). This leads me to #5.
5. When to initiate physical contact? Once we start asking you more questions about yourself and you find that you're speaking the majority of the time, we are genuinely interested and want to know more about you and how you fit in our structure. Usually, we will start the occasional "How do you feel about [insert ethical topic]?" We are trying to gage not only your views, but capable you are of holding philosophical discussions and how you respond to similarities or differences to your views. Once we text you ridiculously insignificant questions out of the blue, "Are your feet freezing right now?" we are hooked and want to know everything about you. This is the perfect time to stand or walk closer to us when we spend time together, and initiate hand holding to gage our reaction.
6. You are in a relationship. Once an INFJ kisses you, holds your hand in public, introduces you to all of her friends and family, she probably considers you two in a relationship. However, it is always good to have a clear discussion just so that she knows that you two are in an exclusive relationship and that won't change unless you say so later down the line.
Extra. Fear of long-distance relationships: If there were a ranking of how well each MBTI could last in a long-distance relationship, I would rank INFJs in the top 3 along with ISTJs. Don't be afraid to start a relationship with one because there might be some separation down the path.
This is just my personal opinion and obviously, not all INFJs are the same. Let me know what you think and if there any topics you would like me to address in future posts!
1. We are usually busy-bodies and therefore, we will only invest in the time and emotionally draining process of dating if we see that our future with the potential person has a high probability of succeeding.
2. It takes us a long time to decide if a person is worth investing in as we will process and rearrange everything we know about that person given new evidence and time.
3. Known as the "protectors", we will usually take our time to learn everything about them because we want to reduce the probability of hurting them by studying them early on once they show any signs of interest. INFJs will want to avoid having to break anyone's heart further down the line. Personally, I will pursue or show my interest only when I am confident that I can love the person wholly and if I see a relationship is conducive to both of our happiness in the long-term.
Given these reasons, if you have an INFJ you really want to pursue, here are some tips:
1. GO SLOW. Take things super super super slow. What you're thinking now, make it 3 times slower. An INFJ may like you, think you are attractive and smell amazing, and admire you for your great traits. But none of these mean the INFJ is ready to enter into a relationship with you. INFJs often see the best in people and using these criteria to start a dating relationship may work many people, but not for INFJs looking for a serious relationship. A healthy INFJ will not let someone in their life unless they fit well in their current carefully designed structure. We do "fall heads over heels" for others, but will only let our feelings grow if we see a life together with the person. The reason for this is because INFJs love deeply and will actually throw away everything we have and are for the people we love so we must be very careful when choosing a mate. Starting with one date per week and sending 2-5 texts per day, spaced a few hours apart is ideal. This allows for the INFJ to reach a calm mindset faster and deal with their infatuation with you and manage their life at the same time. It may be frustrating at first, but she will appreciate the time you give to herself and the other things in her life important to her.
2. Respect our individuality. When someone tells an INFJ, "do what you think is best for you," it will make the INFJ feel strong and respected. It's like saying, "Do what you need to do, and I will be here for you no matter what you decide." There is a level of trust that is appreciated beyond words. INFJs are independent creatures who put a lot of thought in everything they do and should be respected as such. Once our decisions and thought-processes are questioned and attempted to be controlled, we will start questioning why you bother being around us in the first place if everything you do is superior to us. INFJs protect the people their love and we can't do that if the people we want to protect question our every move.
3. How do you know we are interested? Most people will pursue or show their interest to someone, and if they don't reciprocate, they move on. That is the reason why it is so hard to initiate a relationship with INFJs. Once someone shows interest (usually from the friendship stage), our brain goes haywire and we need to restructure and reanalyze everything we know about you. This takes time, so don't be too discouraged when we don't respond immediately positively to your flirting or pretend to ignore your compliment completely. As explained in #1, we need time to process and will not always respond positively just because we attracted to you. We need to make sure you fit into our life first. My tip for this is to show your appreciation for us for at least one month. If we haven't responded to you with a "Can I see you this weekend?" or "I miss you" text during this month, then we probably aren't interested. But those hints we give are pretty subtle and we might continue to be somewhat distant when we hang out in person, solely due to our shyness and our reluctancy to pressure you (#4).
4. Understand our reluctancy to initiate physical contact. Just because we don't hug or kiss you, doesn't mean we aren't head-over-heels in love with you. We are considerate creatures so usually we won't initiate physical contact. We also don't want to pressure the other person in initiating the physical contact. The problem with this is that no one does anything, especially if the other types do not like to pressure others (-cough- INTJs). This leads me to #5.
5. When to initiate physical contact? Once we start asking you more questions about yourself and you find that you're speaking the majority of the time, we are genuinely interested and want to know more about you and how you fit in our structure. Usually, we will start the occasional "How do you feel about [insert ethical topic]?" We are trying to gage not only your views, but capable you are of holding philosophical discussions and how you respond to similarities or differences to your views. Once we text you ridiculously insignificant questions out of the blue, "Are your feet freezing right now?" we are hooked and want to know everything about you. This is the perfect time to stand or walk closer to us when we spend time together, and initiate hand holding to gage our reaction.
6. You are in a relationship. Once an INFJ kisses you, holds your hand in public, introduces you to all of her friends and family, she probably considers you two in a relationship. However, it is always good to have a clear discussion just so that she knows that you two are in an exclusive relationship and that won't change unless you say so later down the line.
Extra. Fear of long-distance relationships: If there were a ranking of how well each MBTI could last in a long-distance relationship, I would rank INFJs in the top 3 along with ISTJs. Don't be afraid to start a relationship with one because there might be some separation down the path.
This is just my personal opinion and obviously, not all INFJs are the same. Let me know what you think and if there any topics you would like me to address in future posts!
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Crappy Roommates
Very few people know the true wrath of an INFJ.
This week, I surprised myself with my own wrath. A long-time friend and year-old roommate recently started to treat me like a doormat. It had gotten to the point where he expected me to cook each meal for him, because he was “tired” (often after going out with his friends), drive him everywhere (dentist, toolstore, gym, pick him up from school!), and the buildup of inconsiderate acts (slamming his bedroom door during sleeping hours, blasting his stereos 2 hours before my huge exam) caused me to reach my breaking point.
It was the first time I had lashed out at a non-family member...and in front of someone else.
Two days before the event: I had a talk with the roommate. We had discussed what being considerate meant. I used the example of blasting music a few hours before an exam he knew was very important. He told me he understood, told me to text him when I was napping, and that he felt badly for always eating my food and never cooking for the rest of us roommates. I thought it was a ground-breaking conversation.
The day of the event: I had a good friend over who was helping me cook. The roommate kept coming down various times and glanced at the cooking process for a second before heading back to his bedroom to watch youtube. When the food was finally cooked, he came to the kitchen and asked, “can i have some?” Obviously, from most people’s point of view, this is a trivial act. My friend of course, said yes. But at that point, I blurted (more like yelled through teary eyes), “If you know you want to join us for dinner, then you need to help cook. You did this last time Matt was here too. He brought all the food, cooked, and you even left your dishes on the table!” He proceeded back to his bedroom, blasted his music, and lifted weights, nicely throwing the dumbells on the ground after each set.
After this experience, I finally learned the extent of an “INFJ doorslam”. What surprises me most is my lack of desire to reconcile. The friend had shown desire to reconcile and spoke to my other friends about reconciling, claiming he values my friendship deeply. In my mind, I see no point. I believe that I should set my own limits as to not treat my friends like doormats and that they should do the same. If we need to verbally tell them what to do and what not to do, things as simple as “don’t blast your stereo 2 hours before this exam that has had me stressed out for this entire week”, it is degrading to both parties. It becomes parenting, not friendship. I’ve proceeded with politeness, and am staying miles away from any indication of kindness. The best part? I have more time and energy to care about those who actually respect me. The bad part? I still worry sometimes about whether I could make a difference and if he could learn, consciously knowing that if I reconciled, I would constantly be anxious, planning my schedule and doing homework days in advance because I worry about the next 10 favors he will ask of me.
Final lesson from this experience: Be weary of people who take more than you give, especially those who take what you don’t offer.
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