Today is my birthday. I'm far from home without my family or boyfriend. I didn't see any friends today and I spent the day studying and volunteering my time tutoring at a nearby elementary school. I did celebrate with friends a few times last week and am planning an early morning hike tomorrow. I managed to do some reflecting and I realized in this past year since my last birthday, a lot has happened. I got into medical school, I started medical school 300 miles away from home, I got the stomach flu 4 times, I got shingles, and I started improving my health with diet, exercise and probiotics. I managed to travel to Vietnam, the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone, Reno, and San Francisco. I worked 5 different jobs and moved 2 times. Oh, and I got a boyfriend...my first boyfriend. In med school, I learned what true depression and anxiety felt like and I started regular yoga and meditation. I learned how to ignore the rest of the world as I walked past students studying to my yoga and meditation classes. I learned how to put my health first, to be present, and to kind to others and myself.
This year has been tough. I had to quit jobs and say no multiple times. Moving far from home was especially hard and there were many times I felt alone without a support system. But I never gave up learning to care for myself. In the beginning I thought that meant both exercising and studying my ass off. My body cried and I experienced crippling lower back and neck pain for the first time and for weeks it never ceased. Then I got super sick for 2 months. That was an incredible eye opener. My first reaction was that I wasn't cut out for medical school. I was weak, dumb, and slow. I withdrew and I didn't want to talk to anyone including my friends or family. I felt like there was little purpose to my life and kept asking myself what the point was countless times each day. But there was a nudging voice in my head to get help. So I did. I went to an academic counselor who basically made me feel like I didn't know how to study. Then I went to a MFT who talked more about herself than I talked about myself. She gave me the weirdest homework and techniques she said would ease my test and study anxiety but my anxiety ceased to stop. I was discouraged and scared. The longer my anxiety persisted, the worse it got. I started going to meditation, mindfulness, and yoga classes. The yoga classes helped ease my back and neck pain a lot. The first few mindfulness classes were a mess and I ended up crying during each one. I saw a wellness counselor who turned out to be my yoga teacher and she helped me to figure out where my weaknesses lied in my planning. I tried her methods and I found I had more time and less anxiety but I still had racing palms and heart rate before my exams. I kept going to yoga and I kept meditating. Instead of going to the classes just once per week, I started to do yoga during my studies or before a couple times per week. I started meditating before exams, before I studied, and in bed. I met with another wellness counselor and used the Buddhist meditation practices she shared with me. Before I knew it, my study anxiety went away. I started doing things I wanted to when I wanted to. If I didn't want to run that day, I didn't. If I didn't want to study and go to yoga class instead, I went to yoga. If I got hungry, I ate. If I was tired, I slept. It seems so ridiculous but I needed to come back to my roots and fulfill my lower tiers and physical needs of Maslow's triangle before I could hope to achieve self-actualization. I listened to my body and it rewarded me with a strong body, and a calm and present mind. As a result, I made great friends who I was able to connect with on a deeper level because I stopped focusing so much on myself and actually really fully and whole-heartedly listened to them. I had better focus during my exams and better performance. I laughed often and I wasn't bothered if I had to work or study that day. I looked forward to yoga, meditation and meals. I became happy again.
I went through a lot this year but I would say I learned equally as much. I thought that to be better, I'd always have to reach higher, do more, and give up more. But I was so so so wrong. I'm thankful for all the people I've met this year and I am thankful to my heart and my body for adapting and healing. I look forward to this year and hope I can continue to grow as a wiser and kinder person.
Til next time my friends. Stay safe, humble, and kind to others as well as yourselves.
