I just finished the first 6 weeks of medical school. I didn't have a typical start. I took the summer intensive anatomy course which involved dissection with no direction on day 1, 8-5 days in lecture/cadaver lab, and endless studying in the evenings to review or prepare for the next day. My experiences in this class may be detailed in a later post. In short, my health, relationships, and spirit suffered more than at any other point in my life.
This post is to help me continue my healing process and a safe place for me to return when I need a reminder on how to discover and re-find my center.
Everyone in life goes through life with some moments of self-doubt. In this current place, I am doubting a million things: Am I not smart enough to become a doctor? Will I become a good and competent doctor? Will I be a kind doctor at the end of the journey? Should I make more friends? Why was that girl so mean to me when I tried to open up to her? Should I reach out to my best friends and my support group now or are they too busy and do I not have the time to even freak out and vent? Should I cut ties with everyone in order to have fewer social obligations and more time to focus on my studies? Am I spending too much time studying? Am I sleeping enough? Does my advisor and friends resent me when I open up to them? Why am I so tired? Why do I not care about anything?
These are the many thoughts that keep running and re-running through my head. My goal is to learn how to quiet these thoughts just a little and find balance, meaning, and center.
There are a few things I think I need to remember that help me to find my inner calm. The first is to accept that I cannot control the actions of others nor many the circumstances I am in. That means some colleagues will study more or less hours per day than me, sleep more or less than me, and may or may not be as stressed. It's ok to be different. We came from different backgrounds and journeys, and although we ended in the same destination, we aren't the same people, we don't have the same circumstances and we don't live the same way. We have different goals and different next destinations.
It's ok to be kind to yourself and cherish your gifts and differences. The best type of doctor or person doesn't have a pre-set template. It's an opinion that is very deeply personal and unique.
I believe that being the best doctor entails living what I preach. Health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual are all things I need to find in myself before I can best help others to find in themselves. Being the best doctor means being kind to myself and appreciating the adversities I need to overcome. It means being able to tell myself, "hey, med school is hard and that's ok. It's ok if you need a break today. It's ok if you're tired and it's ok to feel discouraged. But, you're smart and you're hard working. You love people and you're kind. There is no doubt that you can and will help many people but you need to focus on taking care of yourself right now." My difficulties and challenges will help me to better appreciate and empathize with and understand the experiences of others.
Being the best doctor means being able to tell my patients that it's ok to be different from others. It means being able to celebrate their differences and unique gifts, and to fully believe it. If a patient came to me and told me they needed more sleep but their colleagues work harder and don't sleep as much, I'd tell them to remember that the goals and needs of everyone is different. I'd tell them to sleep more because they will function better and be more productive. What would I want my doctor to tell me when I come to them with the same problem?
No comments:
Post a Comment