Very few people know the true wrath of an INFJ.
This week, I surprised myself with my own wrath. A long-time friend and year-old roommate recently started to treat me like a doormat. It had gotten to the point where he expected me to cook each meal for him, because he was “tired” (often after going out with his friends), drive him everywhere (dentist, toolstore, gym, pick him up from school!), and the buildup of inconsiderate acts (slamming his bedroom door during sleeping hours, blasting his stereos 2 hours before my huge exam) caused me to reach my breaking point.
It was the first time I had lashed out at a non-family member...and in front of someone else.
Two days before the event: I had a talk with the roommate. We had discussed what being considerate meant. I used the example of blasting music a few hours before an exam he knew was very important. He told me he understood, told me to text him when I was napping, and that he felt badly for always eating my food and never cooking for the rest of us roommates. I thought it was a ground-breaking conversation.
The day of the event: I had a good friend over who was helping me cook. The roommate kept coming down various times and glanced at the cooking process for a second before heading back to his bedroom to watch youtube. When the food was finally cooked, he came to the kitchen and asked, “can i have some?” Obviously, from most people’s point of view, this is a trivial act. My friend of course, said yes. But at that point, I blurted (more like yelled through teary eyes), “If you know you want to join us for dinner, then you need to help cook. You did this last time Matt was here too. He brought all the food, cooked, and you even left your dishes on the table!” He proceeded back to his bedroom, blasted his music, and lifted weights, nicely throwing the dumbells on the ground after each set.
After this experience, I finally learned the extent of an “INFJ doorslam”. What surprises me most is my lack of desire to reconcile. The friend had shown desire to reconcile and spoke to my other friends about reconciling, claiming he values my friendship deeply. In my mind, I see no point. I believe that I should set my own limits as to not treat my friends like doormats and that they should do the same. If we need to verbally tell them what to do and what not to do, things as simple as “don’t blast your stereo 2 hours before this exam that has had me stressed out for this entire week”, it is degrading to both parties. It becomes parenting, not friendship. I’ve proceeded with politeness, and am staying miles away from any indication of kindness. The best part? I have more time and energy to care about those who actually respect me. The bad part? I still worry sometimes about whether I could make a difference and if he could learn, consciously knowing that if I reconciled, I would constantly be anxious, planning my schedule and doing homework days in advance because I worry about the next 10 favors he will ask of me.
Final lesson from this experience: Be weary of people who take more than you give, especially those who take what you don’t offer.
